“I love you. It’s not a weight you must carry around.
I love you. It’s not a box that holds you in.
I love you. It’s not a standard you have to bear.
I love you. It’s not a sacrifice I make.
I love you. It’s not a pedestal you are frozen upon.
I love you. It’s not an expectation of perfection.
I love you. It’s not my life’s whole purpose (or your’s).
I love you. It’s not to make you change.
I love you. It’s not even to make you love me.
I love you. It’s as pure and simple as that. “
– Anonymous
Then why is it never simple?!
People “in love” seem to think its the exact opposite of what is said..
Ironic isn’t it?
Whenever Omar was around Sarah started feeling weird. She couldn’t even treat him the way she used to. She was scared and unprepared, managed to find flaws in him to the extent that some of them might have sounded made up. She talked herself out of it every night. She wasn’t thinking about Aly as much anymore and that was a relief. She had a little time off.
Before she knew it she was calling Omar any name but his, somehow she forgot his name every time. They used to be really good friends she always enjoyed his company. He always annoyed her in a teasing way, but with her weird attitude lately that was not the case. She avoided talking to him alot, tried to sit farthest from him. She started feeling mean towards the guy, so she made it a point to be nice.
It took her months to be nice to Omar and when she finally got her act together, he was no longer interested. She drove him away. It was sad that the person she used to always look for anywhere she went now wasn’t interested, but on the other side she felt relaxed because she wasn’t really into him, at some point talking to him felt mandatory. It took her a while to adjust. Soon she wasn’t thinking of him any more and he seemed to be interested in another girl. Everything was just “great” that was what Sarah said. Eventually they started regaining their friendship again and soon everything was cool.
Sarah never knew why or how but she was thinking about her hero, “prince charming”, AGAIN. She prayed every night that she would see him again; anywhere even if it was just a glance from a cross the street, she would just settle for anything. Sarah was walking to the bus stop when she saw him going on the bus that she intended to catch. But typically Sarah took the easy way out stood in a shop for a while till she could no longer see the reflection of the bus in the glass, and got out and caught a cab instead.All day she kept thing of how cowardly she acted. Too many questions were killing her, all staring with “what if…” she let a chance slip by. She couldn’t believe that what she did was a conscious decision. She was going nuts thinking and thinking till she lost it all.
The next day on her daily routine she found him again going on the bus, she took a deep breath; with fast wide steps moved towards the bus got up and stopped.He was sitting in the middle of the bus there were no empty front seats she had to move past him to find one. But if she did, eye contact would be inevitable. She just had to do it. As she moved towards him he was busy going through his bag as if he lost something. She walked past him and he didn’t notice a her. She sat just behind him. The bus ride seemed longer than ever; she thought a million times about nudging him, but last minute she manged to change her mind.
She closed her eyes, swore and before she knew it she was nudging him and saying “hey”. The voice was familiar to him he didn’t quite link to whom it belonged. He looked back to see Sarah smiling warily. He shot her his perfect smile, she felt herself blush but not just a normal blush, it was as though all the blood in her body managed to go to her face. He asked her how was she and how she felt after the accident she said it was all great. She didn’t know what to say; but she needn’t he made the effort to make a conversation.
They started talking about where they were both heading. They were both going to university; actually the same university. He said that he is new in town and is a transfer student. She couldn’t believe herself; “was that a dream?” she couldn’t think straight.
She knew she was smiling her widest smile because when she got off the bus her face hurt. She offered to help him around; she kind of owed him; at least that was what she convinced herself with. He was not familiar with the place and wanted to get something’s done, and of course he would never skip such an offer; she was a catch.They spent a couple of hours together till they both had to run to their classes and they did not have matching schedule, but they would use the same bus every morning. Sarah couldn’t get through a single class, she had no idea what the professors were talking about. She constantly looked at the door wishing he would come right in and get her. She was dreaming, she kept dreaming and building dreams sky high and never knew that they would all soon come down and possibly crush her.
Sarah knew that she had absolutely nothing to do. “Everything takes time” that was what she knew. Should she forget about him, let go of the memory that seemed almost perfect; let go of charming and get back to the real world. She knew pretty well that what was meant to be would always find its way, so she waited. Every night before she went to sleep she thought of him. When she started to right in her diary she always managed to add something here or there to relate to him. Like when she was writing about the outing with Jody and her boyfriend and how they held hands; she managed to leave a comment that his hand was nothing like Aly’s. To make matters even worse by that time she didn’t even know that his name was Aly she just called him “leader”.
The other day when she was doing the usual going through facebook; looking at pictures of friends, whom she didn’t really care who they were or with whom they took the pictures. She barley even saw the pictures she was looking and trying to kill time. And suddenly she felt like someone stapled her tummy, as quickly as possible double clicked on the “previous” button; but because her hands were shaking it was more like a triple click. However, she got herself together and managed to reach the picture she wanted. Was it leader in the picture?! She literally stuck her face to the screen tall dark broad man, but what?
She was about to cry. It was not Aly it was just someone, she got all crazy about a picture, of someone who looked just like some guy she saw once. At that point all men out there were him. She compared every face to his. She was losing it. Sarah called Jody and got all crazy on the phone crying of humiliation or was it desperation?! Jody did what she could do best listen and try to tell her that she was not alone. Sarah had always been Jody’s savior with her at her downs. she carried her around. She was Jody’s support system. Jody knew that she owed her life. But what could she utter her to make things sound better. If she could have gone down the street and look at every face ask around to find him, if it were possible she would have, but the thing is she never saw him before how was she to even know him. Even all sarah described him by were words like “perfect” “amazing” “had attitude” “tall” “strong” “nice” “kind”; it wasn’t the sort of description to get her picture him.
Jody was always the reckless baby, who constantly needed taking care of, and Sarah was basically her big sister and to some extent she was jody’s second mother. They have been best friends for countless years. They always managed to be there for each other. When the biggest bully in middle-school bothered Jody Sarah was there to give him a piece of her mind and talk him to drop it. Sarah always had her way; she would have been the perfect lawyer. However, when it came to the “mean girls” Jody would always show them who was mean! None of them would dare mess with her neither with Sarah because that was just how things were; they were a team, simply inseparable. Sarah as a matter of fact never got into these girls ways. She managed to hide out and move the spot light away from herself, and Jody was her cloak.
One day Jody happened to notice constant stares in burning their way to Sarah’s direction. It was a friend called Omar. She noticed that wherever Sarah was he was always with her, just like her shadow. Sarah would never notice him, she always under estimated herself. So, a existance of an admirer was something she needn’t think of. Sarah and Jody were a part of a nice group of friends always that were amazing. They knew how to laugh and have a good time. So that day when they were out for dinner and Jody noticed she shoved her elbow into Sarah’s side. And with a sharp look looked at Sarah then at Omar and since they knew each other pretty well Sarah understood what she meant, but gave her the “wake up” look with the dismissive hand wave as to tell her “ common, he is not interested”.
Jody never let the thought of Omar liking Sarah slide, she always thought he was good enough maybe even for Sarah. She would have wished for someone better though; but for the time being he seemed to be the perfect solution to help Sarah let go of her illusion. She started driving the idea into Sarah’s mind, pointing out good things about him, make her take notice of his actions, to show her that “yes Sarah you are pretty enough to get his attention, he would wish to have a girl like you.” so reluctantly Sarah started giving into the idea thinking “Jody knew better, what do I know about relationships. I have never even had one!” Never the less she compared him to her framed prince charming picture “leader”, he was not like him he was just… different. Sarah thought that maybe it was time to give it a try change the routine.
It all started when Sarah fell in love she met this handsome man called Aly he was all she dreamed of, he was picture perfect. Tall, broad, dark and had the attitude she was looking for, he was a leader always knowing what to say fighting for the right. She met him when he was fighting for her right.
The first time she saw him she was shouting her lungs out. She was so mad fighting with the bus driver for being so reckless and risking all the passenger’s lives. And what made her madder was that the bus did not seem to have a single sane person and sadly no guy man enough to get up and say something. There was black car trampled at the side of the street and seemed to have an unconscious man lying inside of it. No one seemed bothered, she kept thinking “what is wrong with everyone?” When her eyes started to tear and she felt like breaking down as she was screaming because everything was too much to swallow. Aly showed up in his beige baggy shorts and black shirt, to any woman he might not seem as “prince charming” but she saw it the second he looked her way. He had this confident air around him; from a look at him she could tell that he had all it took to rock her world.
From behind her he came and stood just two steps away from her, he asked her gently to step aside; he looked at the driver, with his tough hand he pushed the man to walk with him to the side, talked to him inaudibly she never knew what he said. She could see he was calm composed and had rebel written all over his face. A minute later the driver walked back to her and apologized sincerely. She walked back slowly a few steps, and looked down. Sarah could take the stress no more, and was instantly blinded by the tears that were going down her face.
She felt a hand on her shoulder soothing, kind and had all she needed at the moment. With a deep concerned voice he asked her what was wrong. Her legs could no longer keep her standing her knees bent and she sat on the pavement put her face in her lap and now she started to cry making a sound that made Aly feel like turning around and making a run. Her voice carried everything he longed for and feared from the most.
Though he couldn’t take the sound of her crying he bent down beside her, helped her up on her knees, that was when people started to get out of their cars and gather around to see what was wrong, someone came up with a bottle of water Aly helped her drink and got her to sit on a chair on the side where there was this small coffee shop. She started to get herself together and be collected. The unconscious man was safely out of the car and sitting on the table next to her. When she was finally all calm she started feeling really bad and self-conscious for shouting and yelling at the driver and for crying in the street and the scene she made of herself. It did not feel like something new, because from time to time she got into similar mishaps. She hated what happened, Sarah was always too hard on her shadow, always too shy embraced. She looked at the stranger beside her with the weary look on his face, she smiled softly and looked down and with a soft shaky voice thanked him. Aly asked her if she was alright and she said she was, like she always said. To her it was the typical answer to this typical question making her answer automatic; but, she was farthest that could be from being fine.
Dazzled was Aly by the sight of her, she was cute and small. She looked helpless; put on her brave face with the cute smile that deluded everyone. She was keeping up and act of courage, while she was holding back tears that would leave her dry if she let them escape. All she wanted to do was hide she never let anyone inside always tried to keep everything to herself she shared what she felt with only her friends; anyone could walk by or be with her every day, or even her parents would be around her and no one would guess that she was down. She always put on a smile from the fear of driving people away if she showed what she felt.
Aly turned around to take a look at the man who was in the car. In a flash she was holding up her bag and back up on her knees, looking all good to go. She made a small “umm…” sound making Aly look at her she thanked him a lot put on her smile, but this time her eyes betrayed her with the glow they had. She said goodbye, tried to walk confidently out of the scene stumbled on her third step without a second glance back cursed her clumsy self under her breath feeling even more embarrassed. However, she started walking or as far as everyone could see she was almost running.
When out of sight, she started slowing down and thinking of the face that helped her. The face she had tried to imagine all her life, the character that struck her just like another bus soon after the accident. She started to feel so mortified, but without second thought said to herself that the guy that helped her must have pitied her. All she could think of was how she always acted foolishly. She wanted to beat herself up. But on the other side every cell in her body wanted her to stay around that man but from her fear of falling in love with a stranger she ran, she wanted to hide or in other words “before it starts; END IT”. For the next month all day she daydreamed about the man played the scene over and over making sure to save his picture and voice in her head. One side of her wanted to go out search for him and god knows what she would do next, but the other just told her to stop being irrational, because what were her chances of finding him and more importantly catching his attention or being a part of his memory.
That incident to her was like the best song she ever heard but it was playing all the time and sticking to her head that it made her sick. She thought to herself “Am I always going to sound so lame, am I always going to sound so desperate even to myself??!!!”… “I do not have a life to the extent that I’m holding to a stupid moment” she was confusing herself not knowing what she wanted. She dreamed about him almost every day. Told her friend about this guy her friend was so excited at first she thought it was something nice and cool to think about the hero. But later when she realized that it was more than just this small thing. She was talking about him 24/7 reminiscing and smiling, she started to get worried. Jody got a bad feeling about what was going on, her best friend was obsessing about a thing that could possibly be a dream or something her mind came up with, that maybe she started to fall for what her mom always used to say “you had prince charming in your head, but just now you gave him a name”. Jody felt concerned, so she started facing Sarah and trying to get her back to her senses. Sarah knew what Jody confronted her with was right but what had she got to do the song seemed permanently stuck to her head.
Must Write It 